Among all the euphoric feelings, falling in love has been rated the highest of them all. As rightly said by Victor Hugo “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”. Yet being in love is not all rosy and glamorous. There often comes that creeping feeling that something is not right or the fear that all this happiness might one day come crashing down.
It is a natural thing to love and care about someone. But people with relationship anxiety, their feelings and care become develop into unhealthy concerns, uncertainty and fear. These concerns run so much deeper and are likely to ruin even the healthiest relationships.
Have you ever caught yourself overanalsying texts, seeking reassurance repeatedly, or continuously ruining good relationships? You are probably not a bad person as you think, you might be suffering from anxiety related to relationship.
Let us take a look at the psychology behind relationship anxiety and science-based methods of handling it so you can create a more secure, healthier emotional attachment.
What Is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety refers to constant fears, doubts, and insecurities about one’s romantic relationship. It often involves:
Fear of being abandoned or rejected
Fear of not being “good enough”
Need for constant validation
Overthinking your partner’s words or behaviours
Continuously looking for problems
Constantly wording your partner will break up with you
Causes of Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety does not appear out of nowhere. It is often rooted in life experiences. According to attachment theory,our early bonds with caregivers shape how we relate to others as adults. If those bonds were inconsistent, we may develop anxiety in later relationships.
Other contributing factors include:
Low self-esteem: People who feel that they are not worthy of the love they are receiving from their partners keep demanding constant reassurance from their partners. They feel their partners will leave if they find someone better.
Trauma from past relationships: Bad experiences from previous relationships that were not dealt with can leave emotional scars that trigger anxiety in new relationships.
Fear of vulnerability: People who fear vulnerability more often guard their emotions, creating distance between themselves and their partners. They do not want to let their guts down, fearing they will be taken advantage off. This makes them feel disconnected or unsure about their partner’s feelings.
Childhood experiences: For example, someone who experienced neglect or abandonment in childhood can carry these unresolved issues into their relationships. This can result in fear of being abandoned or rejected by their partner.
Unrealistic beliefs about love from the media: Most people are often influenced by things they see on the media. They mostly have a fairy-tale version of love which makes it difficult for them to navigate the natural realities of real-life relationships.
External factors like stress from work, health concerns or financial issue: These feelings can induce feelings of inadequacy or insecurity regarding the future which easily leads to the feeling of anxiety in relationship.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Relationship Anxiety
Not sure if what you are feeling is relationship anxiety? Look out for these signs:
Constantly seeking reassurance from your partner
Overanalysing texts, tone, or time taken to reply
Comparing your relationship to others
Feeling jealous easily even without cause
Avoiding emotional intimacy or pushing people away
Expecting something to go wrong
Wondering if you are Important
Proven Ways to Handle Relationship Anxiety
1. Identify Your Triggers and the Evidence That Support Them
What exactly brings about that feeling that “everything is not okay”, that is your trigger right there. Either start journaling or reflecting on those situations that spark your anxiety. Is it when your partner pulls away briefly? Or when you feel ignored?
Do not forget that there is a reason behind these triggers that should also not be overlooked. Trace back the roots to understand what triggers your anxiety. Was it a happening? or a specific situation?
Remember, awareness is the first step to regaining control.
2. Understand Your Attachment Style
Your attachment style reveals the way you love and want to be loved. If you were not well taken care of or loved by your caregivers during childhood, this can easily result in anxiety problems in your adult relationship, affecting the way you act and respond to problems in your relationship.
You can take a psychological attachment style quiz (e.g., Dr. Phillip Shaver’s). This can help you to understand the way you form emotional attachments and connections with others which in turns help you work on healing or building healthier relationship habits if needed.
3. Let your Guts Down and Communicate Effectively
Communicating with your partner is a very crucial step to clear of all uncertainties. But in the process of communication, you need to let your guts down and be vulnerable even if it scares you. Be honest about your worries, fears, and hopes as much as possible. Do not hold back anything back, make sure you both come to and understanding before the conversation ends.
Do not be disrespectful, find a respectable way to communicate your feelings. Avoid turning every fear into a demand. It is not about blaming or accusing but sharing and understanding. Instead, use “I” statements:
❌ “You never text me first!” ✅ “I am always worried when I do not hear from you and just want to know what is going on.”
Remember Communication only ends when the parties involved in the process come to an understanding. Do not assume everything is ok; ASK and offer to talk about it.
4. Practise Mindfulness & Grounding
Anxiety is often a fear about the future. It thrives when your mind is always thinking about what will happen in the future. Mindfulness helps ground you in the present. Practice being present, and immerse yourself in the ‘now,’ both on your own and when you’re with your partner.
Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
Use breathing exercises when panic sets in
Engage in mindful self-soothing (warm baths, walks, etc.)
Tomorrow will take care of itself enjoy the moment.
5. Develop and Maintain Your Self-Worth Outside the Relationship
A romantic relationship is usually made up of two individuals. Each person in the relationship is unique in their own personality. But before you expect someone to love you, you need to first know who you are, work on yourself if needed and above all love yourself. Do not depend on anyone to make you happy but take responsibility for your own wellbeing and happiness.
Sometimes the main reason why we are always uncertain about ourselves is because we do not know our self-worth hence, we rely on others to explain to us who we are. Relationship anxiety often stems from self-doubt. Build your own sense of identity and confidence:
Pursue hobbies and friendships
Set personal goals
Celebrate your wins, even small ones
Relationships cannot solve all your emotional problems, you have to be happy and fulfilled in yourself before you can be happy in a relationship.
📚 The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi is a great starting point.
6. Consider Professional Support (Couples Therapy)
If anxiety becomes overwhelming, going for therapy can help. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) are evidence-based therapies that have been shown to assist with relationship anxiety. A therapist can help you deal with these problems. Do not remain quiet about your pain; there are people who can assist you.
🤝 Bonus: Couples therapy is not just for crisis it strengthens communication and emotional safety.
Final Thoughts: You are Not “Too Much”, You are Just Hurting
Relationship anxiety can make you feel like you are the problem. But the truth is, you are likely responding to unmet needs or a pain in the past. With communication, compassion, insight, and evidence-based strategies, you can move from insecurity to emotional security and build the loving and trusting relationship you deserve.
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