They say being the eldest daughter is like taking an unpaid internship for the rest of your life. And honestly, people who come as first-born children should take a special course on emotional resilience and be given a full course on the “Eldest daughter syndrome” even before being born.
As an elder child, You give. You hold it together. You are supposed to mature faster, behave better, and always be the more knowledgeable one even when you don’t understand what you’re feeling.
A Childhood of Being Second Despite Being First
For me, this was not just a metaphor. It was my life. Sacrifices were not something that were expected of me; they were the currency of love and value in my family.
Example: whenever my parents bought something for us, they were made to choose first even though I was the eldest. This they claim was to prevent fight between us. If they bought something that could not be shared it was given to one of my younger ones instead and I only to get to have it if it was something that did not fit them like a dress.
I was always expected to be the understanding one. Even when I get to have it, they joined her to make it feel like it was not anything worthy that was why I got to have it. Sometimes they gave me gifts secretly or when they are asleep and I get to tell them I got it myself when they get to notice.
As the eldest, I was also automatically projected by my parents as a role model who set a very high standard for my younger siblings. But the least mistake is magnified to teach the younger ones a lesson. There is no room for forgiveness.
But in all these, my sacrifices were only seen as responsibilities and are even invincible hence I was never appreciated or recognised for them.
Growing Up with Emotional Displacement and Silent Tears
This pattern was not just material. It was emotional. Eventually, the cost of always being the one to give became too much.
I remember sitting in my room one day regretting being born as a first child. Silently wiping out tears from my face, I began asking myself several questions:
Is it because I don’t deserve anything good or because I was not enough?
I was in my room that whole day weeping because that was the only place in the house where I find solace. I have learnt to cry in my heart and not openly since it was seen as being vulnerable and throwing tantrums, so I only let my tears fall when alone in my room.
The silent effect of it all
As I grew up, I withdrew emotionally. I began attaching more to friends than to family. My relationships became a reflection of my unresolved wounds. I subconsciously prioritised friends over my sisters because I believed they already had the upper hand at home. When my parents noticed this, they labelled me “wicked,” never realising it was emotional survival, not cruelty.
The emotional toll continued. I battled with intense self-doubt, the kind that whispers, “You are never enough.” I was introverted, anxious, and quietly resentful. Every time I wanted something for myself, I felt guilty.
The Cycle of Adult Sacrifice: When Childhood Patterns Continue
Even after I began working, the pattern didn’t stop. I sacrificed my personal comfort and even my future to keep providing for my younger ones.
From my national service days, I started to use my allowance to fund my younger sibling’s education, buying school items and paying school fees at the expense of taking care of myself. Although I was working my siblings are enjoying more than me.
And then, years later, I stood at a crossroads: Use my savings to go back to school or pay for one of my younger sister’s university fees?
My parents made it clear it was now “my turn” to shoulder her future. But for once, I hesitated. The guilt was overwhelming. But this time, something changed. My eyes were open to identify this disease of an eldest daughter syndrome
A Breakthrough in Understanding: The Day My Sister Saw Me
In a conversation I’ll never forget, my sister confided in me. She told me she recognised all I had done, every act of silent love. And then she did the unthinkable: she told me to choose myself.
She told me was not ready to go to school yet and encouraged me to use my savings to further my own education. She explained that she wanted to focus on other things for now until she is ready to school. When the time comes, I can either help her or she could even pay her own way through.
I immediately felt a weight off my shoulders hearing these words from her.
For the first time, I finally felt understood and recognised after all these years. We both explained to our parents our final decision on the issue. I was particularly proud of my sister for standing up for me after all these years of being tossed aside. I finally felt the love, appreciation and recognition I always longed for.
Reclaiming My Identity: What It Means to Rise Above Sacrifice
Rising above sacrifice doesn’t mean becoming selfish. It means identifying the plague called ‘the eldest daughter syndrome” and recognising that your needs matter too. It’s about breaking cycles, setting boundaries, and refusing to tie your worth to how much you give others. Now,
- I’m pursuing my own education.
- I’m rebuilding a relationship with my siblings based on mutual respect not imbalance.
- I’m learning that love doesn’t have to come at the cost of myself.
- And most of all, I’ve finally accepted that I deserve joy, too.
Know this, chronic self-sacrifice can lead to emotional suppression, autoimmune disease, and internalised anger. Healing begins when we allow ourselves to say, “No more.”
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