Every child is born with a unique gift most of the time an innate ability that, when developed, can become a powerful talent. But in most schools and homes, this uniqueness is buried under the weight of comparison. Some argue that such comparisons are a way of motivating others to have very high goals, but not all children know that. It is then up to us to help in breaking the comparison cycle.
What often begins as encouragement turns very quickly into a competition. When we compare children whether as parents, teachers, or relatives we risk misinterpreting their differences as deficiencies. Negativity is also projected and individuality neglected. This is not only emotionally damaging, but also psychologically counterproductive.
In this post, I am going to share a personal account of how comparison affected my extended family and how we later came to appreciate our unique strengths.
My Story: From Being the ‘Standard’ to Becoming the Bridge
I am the eldest among all my siblings in both the extended and nuclear family. And for certain reasons I was naturally able to do everything so easily, especially in school. I skipped classes yet performed exceptionally well. I would not say I am a genius though.
My siblings and cousins were also okay but could not beat me. Regardless of all this we were friends, looking out for each other and messing around like family. We were a contented group of children in a family house.
The Starting Point of Comparison: From the Family
As we moved into separate houses, the comparisons began. Some relatives, unknowingly, began comparing me to their children’s work. “Why can’t you be like your cousin?” became a constant refrain. Some went to extent of forcing their children to skip classes, restricting their leisure time, and constantly referencing my achievements.
From the School
As if the comparisons from parents were not enough, our teachers too joined in at school. We all in the family go to the same school. The moment teachers knew we were related; they began using me as a yard stick to compare everything siblings and cousins did.
They would always tell me to make sure I teach them at home, but they made it even worse by calling us together and pointing out their weaknesses in front of me. Some went as far as asking some of them whether they are sure that we are related. Even those who were performing well were still not considered good enough because they could not bypass me.
Comparison Destroys, but Individuality Heals
The happy carefree children we were was destroyed by comparison. Now everyone is looking at the other individual as competition they have to conquer. Looking at how this had affected us all, I decided it was my mission to bring back the peace and tranquility we once had. I wanted both the children and parents to see how different and special we were and not as competitors.
“Nobody is more intelligent than the other. We just happen to be smart in different ways.”
But I was raised in a traditional family with always correct parents and who are you as a child to sit your parents down to advise them so they can see things from your point of view.
Our parents most often read “children obey your parents for this is right” but they never go on to read “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger”. I needed to develop a plan to let them see our individuality without explaining it to them.
How I Took a Stand for Individual Strengths
What Did I Do in Breaking the comparison cycle?
- Affirmed My Cousins
I reminded them how wonderful they were at things I couldn’t do such as sports, cooking, being creative. Slowly, their confidence began to return. - Hired Teachers as Allies
I asked our teachers to help reinforce the message that intelligence is not one-size-fits-all. - Refused Special Treatment
I always made sure that whenever they wanted me to do something in place of my siblings/cousins, I politely said no and reminded them that they could do it as well. And they do it well too. - Empowered Through Delegation
When kids needed help with homework, I send them to my siblings. Their parents will complain and make statement like “don’t let the child go and get zero” yet they surprise them, and the kids do well.
Their parents also began to see how amazing their kids were in various ways either in sports, kitchen and other things that matter.
Breaking the Comparison Cycle in Your Life
If you are a parent, teacher, or better still a brother or a sister, you can help create a supportive environment where comparison isn’t the norm.
1. Accept Individual Strength
Recognize that individuals vary in their own individuality. Such as Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligence theory.
2. Celebrate Effort Over Achievement
Praise the process, not just the outcome. Praise others for how far they have come not always focusing on the outcome. At least they have tried.
3. Refrain from Public Comparisons
Never compare one child to another in public. It embarrasses both.
4.Encourage Independence
Allow children to pursue varied interests and determine success on their own terms.
5. Lead by Example
Set the example you want to emulate. Own your own differences from others proudly, not shamefully.
Support, Not Compare in Breaking the comparison cycle
Comparison can also take the guise of motivation, but it has a way of wearing away confidence, killing creativity, and dividing families. Every path is valid. Every child, teen, and adult are on a path shaped by their gift, experience, and purpose.
As my siblings and I grew up, we pursued different callings; some in colleges, others in technical schools, others in athletics or the newspaper industry. Today, we’ve promised never to compare our future children.
Because genuine encouragement doesn’t say “Be like them.” It says, “Be fully you.”
💬 “We make examples, but we do not compare.“
Have You Ever Been Compared to Someone Else? Share your Story
Were you ever compared to others growing up? Maybe to a classmate, cousin, sibling or stranger. Did it affect your self-esteem or cause you to attempt to be someone that you are not? Maybe you’re still trying to figure that out. Or maybe you’ve found a way to escape and love your own unique journey.
💌 We want to hear from you. Share your story in the comments below or message us at Share Your Story – PsycheShare. Your experience could be the light someone else needs to find their own path.
✨ Let’s create a space where everyone’s journey is valued.
No comparison, just connection.
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