How I Broke Away from the Shackles of Expectations

Everyone is born into or by a family. But there comes a time in our lives that we need to break away from the family.

This breakout mostly happens when we come of age and maybe move out to go to school, start a job, get married, or just want our own space to be independent. Funnily enough that is what society expects and how “growing up” is defined, right?

Born into Duty

But here is the irony of it: even after we leave home some of us never really leave.

We still carry the weight of everything our families, especially our parents have done for us. Thinking about the late nights, the prayers, the sweat just to sacrifice everything for us to make to come this far.

So, naturally, we feel indebted. We feel we have to make it up to them somehow maybe by choosing a particular career of their interest or living properly just to make them proud.

We tend to be paralysed with fear of doing the “wrong” thing for our career, relationships, or simply how we choose to live?

This was the story of my life and this was how I broke away of these expectational bondage.

The Invisible Bondage of Family Expectations, When Love Becomes a Cage

I am the first-born child in my family. And with that I was made to belief that I had be like the blueprint. The shining example that shows the younger one the way.

“You are so smart. You have to make sure you do well in school, so you come and take your family out of this suffering. 

“Don’t forget the family you are coming from. All our sacrifices are only so that you can have more than us so you can take care of the others left behind, don’t let it all be in vain.

I lived my life with these words from my parents, elders, guardians and even younger ones ringing in my ears. No matter if I was miles away from home their voices were loud in my head.

While it appeared, these statements were coming from a place of love, but ligering behind them were expectations that slowly began to consume me and also detected how I lived my life.

What happens if I don’t live up to these expectations? Will they still love me? Be proud of me? Or will I be seen as the disappointment?

These were like a sounding alarm in my ears every single time.

I felt like I was behind a cage I did not know I was living in.

The Mental Toll: Fear, Pressure, and Withdrawal

I became so careful of how to live my life knowing very well the weight of expectations on me. Every step felt like walking on eggshells. I was not only tired but emotionally exhausted.

I practically was not living a life for myself but for them, my family.

Socially, I became redrawn fearing that being in the company of others will do me more harm than being alone. Like my mom always say,

“A torn bed does not give you problem.” in other words problem will not come and find you in your room.

The Wake-Up Call

Everything changed at an event I attended. The speaker, a counsellor, asked a simple but powerful question:

“How would your life be if you were not afraid of disappointing anyone?“

I had no answer then, but as I went home and still pondered the question, it was as if I was being set free.

I thought about all the possible things I would have been doing to make me happy and all the things I was doing at the moment that were forced on me because I was expected to.

Probably, I would have chosen a different programme, one that I was passionate about, not one that was deemed “secure” or “respectable.”

I wouldn’t be burning the night just for a programme I clearly do not have an interest in. I would not be hiding my creative interests because they were not considered as something that will make me financially secure in the future so as to be able support my siblings.

Then it dawned on me, I was just surviving, not living.

I had been trying to meet everyone else’s expectations but had never paused to define my own. Every decision I made either big or small was a response to the fear of not disappointing the hope that everyone had in me and not the expressions of who I was.

It hurt, but it was freeing to finally admit the reality.

The First Step to Freedom: Giving Myself Permission

The first thing that I did was to talk to my parents. I made them know that I do not plan on disappointing them, but the pressure was weighing me down. And ironically, if I kept living in constant fear of failing them, I might actually end up doing just that.

I never said it was easy 😊. Trust me, it took some convincing.

Then I did something important: I gave myself the permission to say “No” and set emotional boundaries.

I dared to dream differently. Then I explored all the voices in my head and questioning which ones were truly mine.

Yes, I still love my family dearly, but I just came to the realisation that love does not mean sacrificing who you are.

Living Authentically Without Guilt

Freedom did not come all at once. It came in small choices:

Pursuing what I love, allowing myself to rest without guilt, choosing friends and environments that reflect who I am.

With time, I felt more whole and liberated. I stopped measuring success by how proud others were of me and started asking: “Am I proud of me?”

I do not intend to be he black sheep of my family or the one to bring shame to the family. My goal is to do well but also be the best version of myself as well.

I still care deeply about my family, but I no longer live solely for them. I now live with them, but also for myself. And they are proud of who I am becoming.

A Message to My Fellow First-Borns

If you are reading this and you feel burdened by expectations,

Know this: you are not selfish for wanting peace. You are not ungrateful for choosing a path that looks different, only if it is a legal and an acceptable one.

Redefine what success means to you.

Make mistakes, learn and grow with confidence.

And more importantly: You are Allowed to Choose You.