When we hear the word fear, we are more apt to think of those things that we run away from, like public speaking, taking risks or starting over something new. We associate it with procrastination, avoidance, and hesitation. What we do not really talk about, however, is the kind of fear that makes us stay. Example holding on in a toxic relationship.
The fear that keeps us in places we have long outgrown but continues to convince us that the pain is better than uncertainty of the unknown. Then it whispers, “At least you are not alone,” even when you are lonelier than ever in the presence of someone else or in a toxic relationship.
I never thought I would be that person, the one who stayed in a relationship that drained her little by little. But unfortunately, I was.
This is the story of how fear disguised as happiness kept me holding on even when everything inside me was breaking.
The Beginning: A Love Bombing Fairytale
For nearly five years, I lived a life I did not recognise, smiling in pictures, posting happy couple goals on social media, while slowly crumbling behind closed doors.
It was not always bad. In the beginning, He was everything that I thought I wanted, charming, attentive, funny, clever and at least a 10 out of 10 in all that matterd to me. Funnily enough, everyone else agreed. I always hear comments like “you two are good for each other”
He would text or call everyday just to check up or say good morning and good night every night. And every day we talk about our future like it was some kind of fairytale waiting to happen.
Yes, we were actually the envy of all, classmates, friends, work colleagues etc.
The Shift No One Noticed
Years into our relationship, things started to change. Subtly at first. He would make little jokes about how too big and unrealistic my dreams look or how I am trying to portray the trait of a radical “feminist.”
“Ohhh, I’m just kidding,” he would say, when I looked hurt.
Then came the guilt trips. When I start making male friends who become too attached, when I get a major life breakthrough.
He would seem betrayed and completely go silent. This made me felt like my successes were a betrayals. Then I tell myself, “should I slow down so we can all be on the same level?”
In no time, I was filtering my life through his moods and living my life based on his mood swings. Rethinking my ambitions and letting go of my big dreams so that I will not be seen as too ambitious and will be egoistic towrad my man.
Yet still, I stayed, I kept on holding just hpoing everything will be fine one day.
Why I Stayed Even When I Was Breaking
I asked myself that question a hundred times. Because I was not stupid. I knew I was unhappy.
But fear is a powerful trap. I was afraid of being alone, starting over, being mocked by friends and labeled a failure.
More than anything, I was afraid that maybe he was right and maybe no one else would ever love me.
He had a way of saying things that stuck to my skin:
“No one else would put up with you.” “I think I am the only one who can put up with this attitude of yours.”
“You are too sensitive.”
“You are lucky to find someone like me to love you.”
After a while, I started believing him.
I thought if I just loved him more, tried a little more, made myself a little smaller, things would go back to the way they had at the beginning.
But they never did.
The Breaking Point
The last straw was not a violent action or heated argument. It was something simpler, yet sharper.
One faithful encounter with some friends took me away for about a year. We were forced to practice long distance.
For the first time in months, I laughed freely. I felt like “me.” I was very happy to be alone and far away from someone whom I thought I loved so much.
I dreaded going back home but when I finally got home, he asked “You look too happy for someone who is supposed to miss me.”
Immediately, something in me snapped.
I began to visualise myself, the person I was away, and the person I was about to mob into as I came back. Then I asked myself which version I would prefer and which would you choose. Then a voice within me whispered, “You can not do this anymore.” You can not keep holding on in a toxic relationship.
The Road Out Was not Easy
Leaving was not a clean break. I cried. I doubted myself. Continued to overthink.
Then he begged. Promised to change. Threatened to hurt himself. Told me I would regret it.
But each time I felt myself slipping, I held on to the truth I had finally found:
I was worth more than the fear that kept me stuck.
Every day felt like learning to walk again but with each step, I felt stronger.
What I Know Now
Fear had kept me trapped. But it also became the fire that pushed me out.
Because the same fear that kept me holding on, was greater than the fear of change.
If you are reading this and you feel like I did, confused, scared, small, I want you to know something:
Love does not hurt like that. Love does not dim your light. Love does not also ask you to disappear. Love is supposed to make you better than who you are and even a better version of yiurself. Not Stuck.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. And you are absolutely not unlovable.
Final Thoughts
It took me losing myself to actually find my strength. I am still healing, still learning to trust, still figuring out who I am outside of the scars.
But I am here.
And that matters more than anything.
💬 Have a story like mine? Share with us. Your voice could be the light that someone else needs.
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