When we hear the word fear, we are more apt to think of those things that we run away from, like public speaking, taking risks or starting over something new. We associate it with procrastination, avoidance, and hesitation. What we do not really talk about, however, is the kind of fear that makes us stay, example holding on in a toxic relationship.
The fear that keeps us in places we’ve long outgrown but continues to convince us that pain is better the uncertainty of the unknown. Then it whispers, “At least you’re not alone,” even when you’re lonelier than ever in the presence of someone else or in a toxic relationship.
I never thought I would be that person the one who stayed in a relationship that drained her little by little. But unfortunately, I was.
This is the story of how, subtle, quiet, and persuasive kept me holding on even when everything inside me was breaking.
The Beginning: A Love Bombing Fairytale
For nearly five years, I lived a life I didn’t recognise, smiling in pictures, posting happy couple goals on social media, while slowly crumbling behind closed doors.
It wasn’t always bad. In the beginning, He was everything that I thought I wanted, charming, attentive, funny, clever sort of way. Funnily enough, everyone else agreed. You hear comments like “you two are good for each other”
He would text or call everyday just to check up or say good morning and good night every night. And every day we talk about our future like it was some kind of fairytale waiting to happen.
Yes, we were actually the envy of all, classmates, friends, work colleagues etc.
The Shift No One Noticed
Years into our relationship, things started to change. Subtly at first. He’d make little jokes about my how too big my and unrealistic my dreams look or how I am trying to portray the trait of a radical “feminist”.
“Just kidding,” he’d say, when I looked hurt.
Then came the guilt trips when I start making male friends who become too attached. When I got a major life breakthrough.
He would seem betrayed. Go silent. This made me felt like my success was a betrayal. Then I felt, should I slow down so we can all be on the same level?
In no time, I was filtering my life through his moods and living my life based on his mood swings. Rethinking my ambitions and letting go of my big dreams just not to be seen as too ambitious.
And still, I stayed, I kept on holding on in a toxic relationship.
Why I Stayed Even When I Was Breaking
I asked myself that question a hundred times. Because I wasn’t stupid. I knew I was unhappy.
But fear is a powerful trap. I was afraid of being alone, starting over, being mocked by friends and labeled a failure.
More than anything, I was afraid that maybe he was right and maybe no one else would ever love me.
He had a way of saying things that stuck to my skin:
“No one else would put up with you.” “I think I am the only one who can put up with this attitude of yours.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You are lucky to find someone like me to love you.”
After a while, I started believing him.
I thought if I just loved him more, tried a little more, made myself a little smaller, things would go back to the way they had at the beginning.
But they never did.
The Breaking Point
The last straw was not a violent action or heated argument. It was something simpler, yet sharper.
It was through an encounter some friends which took me away for almost about a year. We were forced to practice long distance.
For the first time in months, I laughed freely. I felt like me I was very happy to be alone and far away from someone whom I thought I love so much.
I dreaded going back home but when I finally got home, he asked “You look too happy for someone who is supposed to miss me.”
And something in me snapped.
I began to visualise myself the person I was away and the person I’m about to mob into as I came back. Then I asked myself which version I will prefer and which will you choose. Then I whispered to myself, “You cannot do this anymore.” You cannot keep holding on in a toxic relationship
The Road Out Wasn’t Easy
Leaving was not a clean break. I cried. I doubted myself. Continued to overthink.
Then he begged. Promised to change. Threatened to hurt himself. Told me I would regret it.
But each time I felt myself slipping, I held on to the truth I had finally found:
I was worth more than the fear that kept me stuck.
Every day felt like learning to walk again but with each step, I felt stronger.
What I Know Now
Fear had kept me trapped. But it also became the fire that pushed me out.
Because one day, the fear of staying the same was greater than the fear of change.
If you are reading this and you feel like I did, confused, scared, small, I want you to know something:
Love does not hurt like that. Love doesn’t dim your light. Love doesn’t ask you to disappear.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. And you are absolutely not unlovable.
Final Thoughts
It took me losing myself to actually find my strength. I’m still healing, still learning to trust, still figuring out who I am outside of the scars.
But I’m here.
And that matters more than anything.
💬 Have a story like mine? Share yours. Your voice could be the light that someone else needs.
Add a Comment